The dramatic start of 2011

Hello,

December 31, 2010 ended in a way that I would never have imagined it could; me in the emergency room, wondering if I just had a stroke!  Even to type those words, it takes my breath away a bit.

You see, I think I’m too young (and healthy) for such possibilities…but yes I know, I’m not.  What a shocking day, one I’m sure we will never forget.

Here’s how it went. New Years Eve – or, “ole years night” as us Trinidadians like to call it, started like any other I can remember…a lot of excitement about a new year starting.

I had a slue of things to get done before midnight.  I’m not sure how much of this I can say is a cultural thing or what are my own issues – lol.  I just know for as long as I can remember, having all laundry done, the house clean and ‘put away’ and all projects of 2010 concluded (or neatly parked) have been a necessity for me.

The boys and I had a nice conversation about what they had to get done and they were being great team players. They understood the importance of this day to me and they agreed that it would be great to get all we had to do done really early so we can have some family time together before church service at 10 p.m. Christian was looking forward to the evening as he invited a friend over, Chris was out meeting with major clients and Dale was being a sweetheart – basically, all was going very well at the ranch.  🙂

For me, my list was getting checked off one item after another as I was in a sweet flow of activity.  I was firing on all cylinders, managing emails, event planning, flier creation, blog updates, even squeezed in a mid-morning coaching session and one conversation with a dear friend.

At 1:43 p.m. I sent out my last of 15 emails and moved on to posting a note on Facebook – time-stamped at 2:14 p.m.  I knew I had 2 other short blog updates to write and then the writing would be complete for the day. I wanted to wish my readers a safe and healthy new year…but never got to that.

At 2:15 I went downstairs to put some laundry in and grab a bite to eat.   A load was put in and I remember that clearly; actually, this is the last clear memory of the day.   The next thing I can remember is sitting at my computer again and being completely confused about what was on the screen.  At about 3:30, I got my husband to come upstairs to help me make sense of what was happening.

I remember cautioning him to not make a joke about what I was about to say because I was seriously concerned. I then explained to him that my twitter posts for that day seemed like they were old – maybe they were made last year on December 31^st and Twitter was having technical problems, I asked?  When I clicked on the links in my tweets, I was taken to my website and the blog updates from the day before seemed very odd to me. I didn’t recognize them. I read it again and again and it began to sound like my voice but I still didn’t believe I wrote them the day before. Then I looked at the emails that were coming in from people responding to me and those made no sense as well. The facebook note written just an hour before, seemed like another voice, written a long time ago.

TALK ABOUT FREAKED OUT!? My own writing not being familiar is like a musician not recognizing his rhythms and notes, a poet not understanding her poetry, a seasoned driver loosing his way back to home base. It was so weird; I had to admit something was amiss.

Then it occurred to me that I couldn’t account for the past hour+ of my time. Where was I? Had I passed out some where and just woke up? My brain had nothing in it to help me with making sense of all of this – no memories, no clues.  It was just feeling very bizarre.

Chris took my blood pressure and it was uncharacteristically high,  for me. I think it was 150 over something like 90 or so. Normal for me is 108/60.  We decided the ER had to be the next step.

A few minutes later we left – yes, I did go back to the computer to see if anything was making sense. Nothing was.

The ER at JKF Medical Center responded so quickly, though many other people were waiting, I took it as a sign that something serious was happening. I don’t recall being afraid for long though. With God in my heart, my constant prayer was that whatever happens, I be strong and faithful. Chris was reassuring and calm, at my side every step of the way.

They rushed me into a private space and hooked up me up to monitors and so forth.  The intake of oxygen was very nice. Seriously…I can see how people would want to walk around with their own supply of fresh oxygen! It felt very good to get some mental clarity.

These folks ran every possible test and later on sent me to have a CAT scan done. Everything seemed in order and the mystery continued. We did a lot of waiting and watching the curtains to see who was coming in to shed some light. Several people stopped in – neurology residents, ER doctor, nurses and so forth, but no light was shed. They called in the specialist for a consult and the call was made to keep me longer for observation.  They also wanted to do an MRI and that could be done the following morning.

At 8:30 – when I thought I still had a chance to make it to church for 10 p.m. service, I remember trying to figure out whether I had time to go home and change clothes or not! Talk about being way off the mark!

As I answered all the questions – they ask A LOT of questions when trying to determine mental clarity, Chris reminded  me of something as he told the doctor about a mysterious event that took place a week earlier (that I forgot about it was itself amazing!)  I fell – ‘passed out’ might be too strong a description as I only recall a couple seconds of being out which was as I fell to the ground and knocked over everything in my way. Chris found me flat on my back in the bathroom. Though that sounded to us like it was connected, the doctors thought not.

Mind you, I have never fallen like that nor have I had memory loss issues or stayed overnight in a hospital. This was shaping up to be a very different and memorable ‘ole year’s night.’

But it was all happening so fast – to me at least, I didn’t have time to be afraid. I also realized the depth of my faith. Being a person of faith has its real practical advantages – no time is wasted on useless emotions, all energies get focused on wellness and helping the professionals do what they must. You give the matter over to God and the experts and then just focus on being as helpful as possible.

At the house before leaving for the ER, I had my moment of fear and tears. It lasted less than a minute then it was gone. Chris had reached out to family members and our Pastor, asking for prayer so all I had to do was focus on being well.

Why am I sharing this personal story? A couple of reasons. I started writing it just for me – as therapy really because for the last week I have been unable to write and it seemed I was in a fog. Speaking to others was not possible. I craved stillness. I also knew without actually thinking about it that talking and telling this story over and over again would do things to me emotionally that I didn’t want done. I did not want to hear it again and again – it was all I could do to keep the question out of my own mind…what happened to me? What was that all about? Is it still happening to me in this moment?  So I knew that conversations would take me down a path I did not wish to travel. I avoided them at all cost. I returned a couple of emails and sent text messages wherever possible.

The only call I returned was to my beloved Aunt Pauline…who stands in as a Mom. She’s my Mom’s closest sister and I just knew I had to connect with her.  If my Mom were alive, I’d be speaking to her for sure. Heck, if my Mom were alive (died after a stroke 6 years ago) she would’ve been out here in a heartbeat. I missed her last week; very much.

So writing about this episode today is my journey back to my writing and it symbolizes my return to myself in a sense. For an entire week, it seemed I was in a daze. Maybe that was just my body’s way of demanding time-off.

Sharing this with you – readers of my blog, online friends and loved ones is my way of connecting, giving the details and inviting prayers all at once.

THANK you so much for the prayers and well wishes.  I know people were praying for me who don’t even know me and I know it made a difference. I know my family and friends were faithfully dealing with ‘no personal/direct contact’ and many of you were perhaps even unaware of this.

By sharing it here, I also get to remind you of the fragile nature of life. Truly – here one moment, gone the next; this is the nature of life.

I was reminded of this – yes God, you got my attention, fully and completely – on New Years Eve and I consider it to be the best gift of the season. I got it. Live fully, in this very moment; whatever has to be done, do it today – like forgiving, loving and being kind to others. Have dreams? Do something TODAY to move in the direction of achieving them. Don’t let old, negative feelings get in the way of your promise or your love. Get to know your passion and pursue it with all you’ve got this year!

If you have to decide between doing something positive and a bit challenging or succumbing to feelings of inadequacy or fear, I urge you, tomorrow is not promised – heck, the next moment is not promised – choose the thing that would bless you and others the most and that usually is the more challenging thing.  [Btw, succumbing to feelings of inadequacy or fear can take a variety of  forms – overeating, vegetating on mindless TV, gossiping, procrastinating, not forgiving, etc, etc]

So at 12:00 a.m. on New Years morning, we were talking with Dr. Sherwood and as he stopped for a moment (we could hear the nurses celebrating outside) and wished us well, I thanked God for being still alive and promised Him I would make 2011 the very best year of my life.

Now if you would do the same, what a world we will create together! 🙂

Sending much love and gratitude to you,

Julette

♥~

P.S.

A wee update:  We still have no idea what caused what and more tests will be done within the next few weeks but I have claimed complete healing and  if that is God’s will, then I’m good. If not, I’m still good.

If any of you have any suggestions – books/articles to read, procedures to undertake, natural remedies to try, questions to ask, please share them with me as I do believe that the highest form of prayer is action.

P.P.S

A post wishing you a Forgiving 2011 will follow. It’s the message I never got to send on New Years Eve.